Q&A
Q. I have read your book and see myself on every page. I do see myself as commitment phobic, but there are things that I have committed to in my life. I have wanted to commit in relationships. These were with men that weren't available to a relationship because of their career or because they were married or because they said they weren't looking for a relationship but were exciting. If the guys I wanted would have been available, I think I would have had a commitment or marriage by now. Would I have found faults in them and left if they were emotionally available? Does this mean I was taught/raised not to believe a man is seriously interested in me? Or I am just so used to people not being available to me that when they are, I freak out?
A. Thanks for writing. I think by now you realize that your behavior qualifies you for instant “Tinkerbell” status. Tinkerbells are always getting involved with emotionally unavailable men. And yes, the reason you’re so interested in these guys is that deep down you know there’s no hope of commitment. It’s hard to admit this to yourself but it’s an important first step. There might be a million and one reasons why someone seeks out these dynamic but unstable guys. It could be a need for excitement, a fear of intimacy, or a low self-esteem that teaches you that men who don’t recipricate your feelings are somehow worthier than men who do. The most important thing you need to do if you find yourself constantly in this bind is taking some time out to really think about why you’re scared of being in a real relationship. What about intimacy bothers you? Why is the notion of someone returning your feelings so scary? Do you worry that you might dissapoint someone? Or have to reject them? You might need to take a three month break from dating to figure out how you end up attracting these types of guys in the first place. Also, this dating break can give you the space you need to get to the bottom of your own fears once and for all.
Q. After two years of dating my girlfriend has decided that she has no way of knowing whether she'll feel the same way about me in the future as a wife, thus she is "taking time off" of our relationship to figure it out. It's not like we were about to get married anyway, as we're still working on getting our careers off the ground and she's still in college. This break is making me angry with her, and frankly, I'm starting to doubt whether she'll ever come around or whether I should just move on. Please help!
A. Thanks for writing to me. I know how frustrated you must be. It’s hard to find out that someone isn’t as committed to a relationship as you previously thought. And breakups just suck! So I feel you. Here are your options. If she is commitment phobic, the best way to handle the situation is to give her space. The most dangerous thing you can do to a woman with CP is crowd, smother, or pressure her. That will just send her running further in the other direction. I know it’s not easy, but the best thing to do is to tell her that you love her and are willing to be patient. Tell her you don’t know where you’re going to end up either and that you have your fair share of anxiety, but that you’re willing to stick it out with her until she figures out what she wants. Make sure she sees that you’re not a pushover, though. You won’t wait indefinitely. But make sure she knows that you’re willing to be patient. If she doesn’t come around, well, she wasn’t the right person for you and it may be that you both need to have more experiences. But if finds that she misses you and comes back, she’ll know that you are someone she can rely on to be supportive and patient even during the tough times, which is when it counts most.
Q. A few of my friends told me I need to get this book. But first tell me this: How do I know if I’m commitment phobic or if it’s just that haven’t met the right guy. I think once I do, all my insecurities and fears will just go away. Or, at least that’s why I’m hoping. What do you think?
A. I get this question all the time. And the answer is simple: The reason you haven’t met the right guy is because you’re not ready for love and commitment. I know it’s frustrating, because I’m not giving some bulleted list about how to find, hook, and attract the man of your dreams. But let me just say that taking personal accountability and working out your own issues about love is the only way to get on the path to meeting the right person.There is no such thing as the “Accidental Single.” If a woman thinks she is a victim in the game of love, hopelessly unlucky, or that men are the cause of all her relationship problems, she is usually mistaken. All of us choose our love lives, whether we know it or not. You choose your love life every time you fall for a married man, start dating someone who lives 3,000 miles away, dismiss a guy because he’s not wearing the right jeans, or break up a good relationship for no apparent reason. The “I haven’t met the right person” line this is the most common rationalization women use to avoid dealing with their anxiety. But meeting someone who is right for you is not just about luck and good timing, it’s about being emotionally and psychologically ready to make a lasting connection. In the end, there may have been plenty of guys you’ve met who could have been contenders, but you were probably not in the right head space to recognize them. Just because this book isn’t titled “Buy Book, Get Man” that doesn’t mean it’s not about love, because that’s exactly what this book is about. Fundamentally, it’s about looking within ourselves so we can stop sabotaging our loves lives and find our true equals. In Kiss and Run, I don’t espouse playing games or blaming men or forces larger than ourselves for our lack of a happy love life, because no advice or strategies will ever work unless you’re ready to figure out what’s at the root of your own relationship issues.
Q. If one is indeed commitment phobic and shouldn't trust their gut with regards to their inclinations to leave, how does one evaluate objectively whether or not their boyfriend is really right for them? Is it just an intellectual decision based on the must-haves list? And where does chemistry play into all this?
A. I know how you feel. When I was trying to figure out whether to stay or move on in my relationship, I scoured every website, message board, article. Some of them said, “trust your gut.” Some of them said “If you’re not certain, it must not be right.” And then others wrote “follow your heart.” My heart?? My heart??!! At the time, I couldn’t tell up from down, gut from anxiety, heart from head. One day I knew without a doubt that he was the man for me, and the next I woke up in a cold sweat after a particularly weird dream about my future. In fact, I began to suspect that even my gut was a wee bit schizophrenic.That’s when I realized it. The problem wasn’t my relationship, it was ME. Yes, I was making myself crazy trying to overanalyze, predict, and determine whether this was the right decision. Could there have been more sparks? Yes! Could he be a little neater around the house? Yes! Could there be a guy who was a bit more perfect for me? Maybe. But was I going to risk a relationship with someone who was, if not perfect, understanding, caring, cute, supportive, giving, challenging, demanding? NO! I was not. Ultimately, I decided that a lot of the preconceptions I had about how you’re supposed to feel in a relationship day in and day out (excited, passionate, over the top in love) was just not reality. Did I have those moments? Yes. But every day? No.When deciding how you feel about your boyfriend, try to look at the big picture. Are you happy most of the time? Are you satisfied with your relationship 80 percent of the time? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, well, maybe you need to do some serious thinking. Also, if you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, you know that “chemistry” wanes. Sometimes you click and other times you want to get away as fast as possible. That’s why older people are always telling us that relationships take work. Not just working to solve problems together, but working on staying attracted and being affectionate with each other. While chemistry is the thing that may have brought you together, once you’ve been together any length of time, it’s something you have to work at like anything else.One last thing, I’m not trying to say you have to stay in this relationship. Commitment should not be the end-all-be-all of any woman’s life. And what you might find attractive in your 30s, might not work for you in your 20s. After all, I probably broke up with a bunch of great guys in my 20s just because I wasn’t ready to settle down. Lucky for my current fiance and I, we met when I was getting more ready (though I didn’t know it at the time.) So maybe you should stop focusing on your boyfriend, and also think about where you are in your life. Have you had enough experiences that, looking back, you won’t regret missing out on? Are you ready to make a life-long commitment? Only you can answer these questions.
Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating long-distance for three years. Now he's moving closer to be with me! Nitpicking a lot lately. How can I get over my nerves?
A. I feel your pain. As a commitment phobe, I used to say I had the best possible relationship, mind you it was long distance for four years. And it was the perfect arrangement. A caring supportive boyfriend that you could turn on and off with the click off a button on your phone. No muss, no fuss, and all the excitement of a new relationship since those weekends when we saw each other once a month were filled with the highs of a new love affair. Long-distance relationships are a commitment phobe’s dream. It’s like having your cake and eating it too, since you have all the comforts of a boyfriend without having to give up your independence or freedom. Comparing that relationship to the current one I’m in, where I actually had to live with a live human being day in and day out, well, I have to say that living with someone does have its challenges. But the good news is, it also has its rewards.It’s perfectly normal for you to criticize, analyze, and nit-pick your boyfriend now that he’s going from a safe distance far, far away to a much closer and intimate position in your hometown. Your relationship is naturally going to go through some adjustments and you’ll have to push yourself to move past your comfort zone. Never easy, I know. When you have the desire to pick on him and are in the throes of a commitment panic, it’s all too easy to forget about why you're him in the first place. That’s why I suggest making a mental note of all those things he did to make you fall in love with him. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, it could be something small like when he brought your favorite ice cream when you were depressed or called you and said the perfect thing after a long hard day. Make a list of all those little things and refer back to them when you’re blinded by your commitment anxiety. Just remember, if he looked so good from far away, he’s probably even better up close. You just have to be brave enough to see it.
A. Thanks for writing. I think by now you realize that your behavior qualifies you for instant “Tinkerbell” status. Tinkerbells are always getting involved with emotionally unavailable men. And yes, the reason you’re so interested in these guys is that deep down you know there’s no hope of commitment. It’s hard to admit this to yourself but it’s an important first step. There might be a million and one reasons why someone seeks out these dynamic but unstable guys. It could be a need for excitement, a fear of intimacy, or a low self-esteem that teaches you that men who don’t recipricate your feelings are somehow worthier than men who do. The most important thing you need to do if you find yourself constantly in this bind is taking some time out to really think about why you’re scared of being in a real relationship. What about intimacy bothers you? Why is the notion of someone returning your feelings so scary? Do you worry that you might dissapoint someone? Or have to reject them? You might need to take a three month break from dating to figure out how you end up attracting these types of guys in the first place. Also, this dating break can give you the space you need to get to the bottom of your own fears once and for all.
Q. After two years of dating my girlfriend has decided that she has no way of knowing whether she'll feel the same way about me in the future as a wife, thus she is "taking time off" of our relationship to figure it out. It's not like we were about to get married anyway, as we're still working on getting our careers off the ground and she's still in college. This break is making me angry with her, and frankly, I'm starting to doubt whether she'll ever come around or whether I should just move on. Please help!
A. Thanks for writing to me. I know how frustrated you must be. It’s hard to find out that someone isn’t as committed to a relationship as you previously thought. And breakups just suck! So I feel you. Here are your options. If she is commitment phobic, the best way to handle the situation is to give her space. The most dangerous thing you can do to a woman with CP is crowd, smother, or pressure her. That will just send her running further in the other direction. I know it’s not easy, but the best thing to do is to tell her that you love her and are willing to be patient. Tell her you don’t know where you’re going to end up either and that you have your fair share of anxiety, but that you’re willing to stick it out with her until she figures out what she wants. Make sure she sees that you’re not a pushover, though. You won’t wait indefinitely. But make sure she knows that you’re willing to be patient. If she doesn’t come around, well, she wasn’t the right person for you and it may be that you both need to have more experiences. But if finds that she misses you and comes back, she’ll know that you are someone she can rely on to be supportive and patient even during the tough times, which is when it counts most.
Q. A few of my friends told me I need to get this book. But first tell me this: How do I know if I’m commitment phobic or if it’s just that haven’t met the right guy. I think once I do, all my insecurities and fears will just go away. Or, at least that’s why I’m hoping. What do you think?
A. I get this question all the time. And the answer is simple: The reason you haven’t met the right guy is because you’re not ready for love and commitment. I know it’s frustrating, because I’m not giving some bulleted list about how to find, hook, and attract the man of your dreams. But let me just say that taking personal accountability and working out your own issues about love is the only way to get on the path to meeting the right person.There is no such thing as the “Accidental Single.” If a woman thinks she is a victim in the game of love, hopelessly unlucky, or that men are the cause of all her relationship problems, she is usually mistaken. All of us choose our love lives, whether we know it or not. You choose your love life every time you fall for a married man, start dating someone who lives 3,000 miles away, dismiss a guy because he’s not wearing the right jeans, or break up a good relationship for no apparent reason. The “I haven’t met the right person” line this is the most common rationalization women use to avoid dealing with their anxiety. But meeting someone who is right for you is not just about luck and good timing, it’s about being emotionally and psychologically ready to make a lasting connection. In the end, there may have been plenty of guys you’ve met who could have been contenders, but you were probably not in the right head space to recognize them. Just because this book isn’t titled “Buy Book, Get Man” that doesn’t mean it’s not about love, because that’s exactly what this book is about. Fundamentally, it’s about looking within ourselves so we can stop sabotaging our loves lives and find our true equals. In Kiss and Run, I don’t espouse playing games or blaming men or forces larger than ourselves for our lack of a happy love life, because no advice or strategies will ever work unless you’re ready to figure out what’s at the root of your own relationship issues.
Q. If one is indeed commitment phobic and shouldn't trust their gut with regards to their inclinations to leave, how does one evaluate objectively whether or not their boyfriend is really right for them? Is it just an intellectual decision based on the must-haves list? And where does chemistry play into all this?
A. I know how you feel. When I was trying to figure out whether to stay or move on in my relationship, I scoured every website, message board, article. Some of them said, “trust your gut.” Some of them said “If you’re not certain, it must not be right.” And then others wrote “follow your heart.” My heart?? My heart??!! At the time, I couldn’t tell up from down, gut from anxiety, heart from head. One day I knew without a doubt that he was the man for me, and the next I woke up in a cold sweat after a particularly weird dream about my future. In fact, I began to suspect that even my gut was a wee bit schizophrenic.That’s when I realized it. The problem wasn’t my relationship, it was ME. Yes, I was making myself crazy trying to overanalyze, predict, and determine whether this was the right decision. Could there have been more sparks? Yes! Could he be a little neater around the house? Yes! Could there be a guy who was a bit more perfect for me? Maybe. But was I going to risk a relationship with someone who was, if not perfect, understanding, caring, cute, supportive, giving, challenging, demanding? NO! I was not. Ultimately, I decided that a lot of the preconceptions I had about how you’re supposed to feel in a relationship day in and day out (excited, passionate, over the top in love) was just not reality. Did I have those moments? Yes. But every day? No.When deciding how you feel about your boyfriend, try to look at the big picture. Are you happy most of the time? Are you satisfied with your relationship 80 percent of the time? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, well, maybe you need to do some serious thinking. Also, if you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, you know that “chemistry” wanes. Sometimes you click and other times you want to get away as fast as possible. That’s why older people are always telling us that relationships take work. Not just working to solve problems together, but working on staying attracted and being affectionate with each other. While chemistry is the thing that may have brought you together, once you’ve been together any length of time, it’s something you have to work at like anything else.One last thing, I’m not trying to say you have to stay in this relationship. Commitment should not be the end-all-be-all of any woman’s life. And what you might find attractive in your 30s, might not work for you in your 20s. After all, I probably broke up with a bunch of great guys in my 20s just because I wasn’t ready to settle down. Lucky for my current fiance and I, we met when I was getting more ready (though I didn’t know it at the time.) So maybe you should stop focusing on your boyfriend, and also think about where you are in your life. Have you had enough experiences that, looking back, you won’t regret missing out on? Are you ready to make a life-long commitment? Only you can answer these questions.
Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating long-distance for three years. Now he's moving closer to be with me! Nitpicking a lot lately. How can I get over my nerves?
A. I feel your pain. As a commitment phobe, I used to say I had the best possible relationship, mind you it was long distance for four years. And it was the perfect arrangement. A caring supportive boyfriend that you could turn on and off with the click off a button on your phone. No muss, no fuss, and all the excitement of a new relationship since those weekends when we saw each other once a month were filled with the highs of a new love affair. Long-distance relationships are a commitment phobe’s dream. It’s like having your cake and eating it too, since you have all the comforts of a boyfriend without having to give up your independence or freedom. Comparing that relationship to the current one I’m in, where I actually had to live with a live human being day in and day out, well, I have to say that living with someone does have its challenges. But the good news is, it also has its rewards.It’s perfectly normal for you to criticize, analyze, and nit-pick your boyfriend now that he’s going from a safe distance far, far away to a much closer and intimate position in your hometown. Your relationship is naturally going to go through some adjustments and you’ll have to push yourself to move past your comfort zone. Never easy, I know. When you have the desire to pick on him and are in the throes of a commitment panic, it’s all too easy to forget about why you're him in the first place. That’s why I suggest making a mental note of all those things he did to make you fall in love with him. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, it could be something small like when he brought your favorite ice cream when you were depressed or called you and said the perfect thing after a long hard day. Make a list of all those little things and refer back to them when you’re blinded by your commitment anxiety. Just remember, if he looked so good from far away, he’s probably even better up close. You just have to be brave enough to see it.
